The Bitter Day
Crushes upon my soul
The weight of the day
The day I asked for
The day I wanted to learn in
But my very insides I didn't not anticipate to be squeezed within until the bitter blood burst through my eyes and splattered on my hands where I felt exposed and naked and ashamed.
My heart ached and my mind screamed.
How can anyone one conceive?
So difficult to imagine that this agonizing pain is lived in many bodies daily. It further constructs my self pity and isolates me, not accepting and saying that no one, no, can understand my pain.
Conjuring up the courage to look at myself in the mirror is a bitter sight to see.
A mirror with smears of dirt and filth I cannot bare to stare into.
Oh God help me now.
In my despair I quit.
In my despair I can't
In my despair I don't believe
I can't see how you can utterly create in me this dream that is delightful to dream but only in mere glimpses have ever experienced.
For I don't know love.
I don't know the love that has no limits, no strings.
I don't know it's tender embrace.
It's arms, the arms I could rest on, and lay on.
No I don't know.
I don't know what it is to be free .
This dream, in the denial of my mind is nothing but a mirage.
Don't you see?
How can someone like me ever know? Ever dig out of a hole so deep.
Will I die in my despair and then walk into your garden? As many of your people you have allowed to walk through.
Will I look back on my life and beat myself up for how I couldn't quite accomplish?
And then I ask myself
Why couldn't I believe?
What is the reality I construct for myself?
What are the gates I keep locked up?
To witness and see the lives who have what I desire but believe that can never happen to me.
I further say, why not me?
And even further say, who am I really when I say, " Oh great God, I don't believe you would bother to serve me."
